Wang Chung tonight, or I will kick your ASS.

I've lied. I'm a liar. A dear friend of mine often uses the term, "lying sac." That's me. I'm one of those. A lying sac.

Maybe you remember this little number: "I promise to write more frequently, and on a better variety of things in the next few weeks."

Whoops.

But let's you and I forget about my false promises, leave the past where it belongs, and instead talk about great things.

Before we do that though, quick question: Remember t.a.T.u.?

...it's alright. I do too.

Friends. It's been so long. What have you been up to? That sounds super fun. Me, myself? I've been watching a lot of embarrassing television. Not, "rot my mind, epitome of everything that is wrong with society," television, like the kind that features those Ray J, Kardashian, and Tila Tequila characters...the other kind. The kind that spotlights over-privileged teenagers and the outlandish drama they find themselves in...sometimes those teenagers also private detectives. But don't worry about that.

Television and movies like these lead me to believe I am capable of things I am not.

No. Wait...

Television and movies in general lead me to believe I am capable of things I am not.

This is 100% okay with me. Why? Because I live my life certain that I have the competence, guts, and wit to do an incredible amount of things.

I'm here to tell you about the kind of things I am absolutely capable of, because movies and television have indirectly told me so.

If you'd like this post to be more entertaining, you can guess which movies/t.v. shows led me to believe such nonsense. Then take a shot...or something.

I both can, and absolutely will:

-Use Shakespeare quotes to insult you.

-Get away with: putting co-workers belongings inside Jell-O or vending machines, filling handset's with nickels, and sending faxes from the future.

-Outrun the beast, considering I own the correct shoes.

-Crash an important dinner party with a guerilla fashion show, then become famous, because my designs kick ass.

-Be a Tenenbaum.

-Fall in love with a celebrity by spilling orange juice on them.

-Convice a parade float to let me sing Danke Shane during a parade.

-Learn so many skills so quickly, in a montage-like manner.

-Be cool and confident while I kill zombies creatively.

-Solve serious crimes, generally committed by spoiled rich kids, while making off-the-cuff witty remarks about pop culture, making out with my super hot boyfriend in the girls bathroom, and still making it to my English class on time.

-Sweep the leg.

-Win a dance battle. In the rain.

-Slay vampires. Easy.

-Forge checks, then get rich.

-Save Latin.

-Stick to my soul-skating ways, even if someone is offering to sponsor me as a professional skater. Damn the man.

-Travel back in time and hang out with my parents.

-Maybe become some kind of superhero, considering some kind of supernatural thing bites me or something.

-Uncover that my friend used to be a Canadian pop-music sensation.

-Be a nobody. Then make out with the most popular boy in school.

-Fall in love with a vampire. And Werewolf. ...then have them fight over me. No big deal.

-Sneak this guy I like out of detention by dazzling the teacher with my...wits. Or showing him my boobs.

...what can you do?

I'm gonna leave you with this, because I like it very much.